


I Can't Love You (But I Wish I Could)

by ehhhchimatsu



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Aromantic Character, Experimental Style, M/M, Sad Sniper, Sad and Guilty Spy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-27
Updated: 2015-07-26
Packaged: 2018-04-11 10:51:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4432739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ehhhchimatsu/pseuds/ehhhchimatsu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It hurts to not be able to love someone. <br/>It hurts just as much to not be reciprocated.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Lawrence had known it was coming. As soon as they were finished in bed and his declaration of love wasn't stated back, he had known that it wasn't reciprocated. 

That it wouldn't work. 

That's why he was ready for it. A sheet covered his naked body and his back was to the other man as the bed jostled, a weight taken off of it, only to dip down again a second later. The rustling of pants and shirts being put back on was loud in the otherwise silent van.

Lawrence's face was stone cold, stoic as he barely dared to breathe. 

Then the expected words came from the man he loved dearly. From Jean. 

"I can't love you, Lawrence." A pause, and then a crack in his voice as he rose from the bed. "I'm... I'm sorry."

No other explanation came as he promptly left the van, back to his own quarters, in his own team's base. 

The rattle of the door echoed in Lawrence's head as silent tears made their way down his staring face.


	2. Chapter 2

It was the following day that he spotted him.

His sniper.

Lawrence.

He fought the urge to go to him - to hold him and tell him that he would love him if he could, cling to him and tell him that he's his lifeline in this godforsaken war.

Jean avoided the other team's sniping nest for the duration of the day's battle. 

He held back tears and forced himself to lie to his heart - of course he could love the other man. No human is incapable of love. That would be downright abnormal.

After the battle, he went to bed with burning eyes and a hoarse throat, a pit deep in his stomach and a pain in his chest.


	3. Chapter 3

The note smelled of smoke and cologne. The flourish of handwriting scrawled on it could be no one else's.

'If you'd allow me to apologize, I'm more than willing. Meet me at the usual location, if so, at the usual time.

-J'

The gritting of Lawrence's teeth was nothing compared to the clamp on his heart. 

The rattle of the door echoed in his head as he made his way through the desert, note clenched in his hand.


	4. Chapter 4

The moon overhead offered more than enough light to see by as Jean kept an eye out for Lawrence.

It didn't take too long for said man to appear, stepping out behind a boulder with a face that hinted no emotion.

The note he had written was crumpled, and clenched tightly in his hand. He opened the hand, letting the paper fall onto the earth. 

"I'm listening," the man rasped.

Jean almost flinched at the curtness, expecting the harshness but not steeling himself for it. 

"I... I do not feel romantic attraction. Not just towards you. I've never felt it. Can not. When you said those words, I... I didn't want to lie to you."

Lawrence's face had softened, just slightly.

"Sexual attraction?" He asked.

Jean couldn't look him in the eyes as he nodded, a small incline of the head. "Oui - yes. I feel that. With you more than with anyone else."

Only the desert night sounds could be heard as they were both silent. Jean had thought he said something wrong when, finally, Lawrence spoke up.

"Do you know how much you hurt me?"

This time, eyes were met as Jean nodded. "Not as much as I regret hurting you, although. I never meant to."

Lawrence looked off to the side, stuffing his hands in his pockets and in thought. 

"Say... would you be up for a drink?"

Jean perked up at this, surprise evident in his face. "Are you sure?"

A small, easy smile appeared on Lawrence's face, his raised cheek brandishing an old, faded knife scar.

"Course. As long as you're not busy."

The same smile was reflected on Jean's face.

"I'm free for a while."


End file.
